Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Ricki!
Oh, and here's a video of Lindsay "Blow It Out Like Ricki Lake" Naggie interviewing some inbreeders:
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Amtrak vs Ukrzaliznitsja
Amtrak vs Ukrzaliznitsja
By Michael Phatel,
WASHINGTON, DC -In the second issue of Doing It?!, Ukraine correspondent Vinny Sanditsia published a travel story that among other things evaluated the efficiency and relative comfort of the Ukrainian and Italian railways. The story quoted Sandy, a self-proclaimed savvy traveler, who claimed that Ukrainian trains were and are far superior to their Italian counterparts. As the story truthfully recounted, I tried to no avail to persuade Sandy that Italian trains were far superior. However, it must be said that my travel experience may have been tainted as I was using a substantial portion of my trust fund to fund my gallivanting across Europe, so really who was I too judge?
Now that I enjoy the life of a poor and unemployed grad-student (editors note: Mr. Phatel is writing this article from the comfort of a first class seat on a flight from Baltimore to Seattle) I have come to understand where Sandy was coming from and am now free to compare having a better ruler to measure against. My student budget has forced me to be a better bargain hunter. Forgoing the expense of a towncar to take me from my apartment to BWI, I opted for trip on America’s rails. In my short ride, 38minute, I pondered the differences between Amtrack and Ukrzaliznitsja.
In Ukraine, for the first year I was subjected to the torments of the spiteful ticket agents. Upon moving to Sosnivka, I was able to enjoy a very friendly ticket agent that crafted my tickets using scissors and punch-card machine. In Lviv and elsewhere in Ukraine, when attempting to purchase a ticket my accent gave me away and I was punished for being a Yankee with a less than desirable vernihy seat nearest the “toilet”. In comparison when booking my seat on Amtrak I opened the lid of my trusty Macbook and purchased my seat (unreserved coach – I am a grad student) very quickly and for the somewhat absurd fare of $18 (136UAH).
Upon my arrival at Washington’s Union Station, I walked quickly towards the self-service check-in kiosks and printed my ticket. Now if only Ukraine could do that. Until I relocated to Sosnivka where I enjoyed my very own ticket agent, a machine would have been much more pleasant to deal with that Svetalana or Olga. On ease of ticket purchase, the score is Amtrak 1 Ukrzaliznitsja 0.
In Ukraine boarding the train required a quick glance at the reader board and a stroll to the platform, whereupon you would search for your wagon and find your seat waiting for you. Amtrak makes you wade through a massive line and have your ticket inspected and then you have to fight for you unreserved seat. Amtrak 0 Ukrzaliznitsja 1.
The luggage stowage in Ukraine was easy, simply lift up the seat or place it between your legs in the wide benches. Amtrak has minimal storage for large bags and the overhead is a bit cumbersome. I’ll give them both a 1, as I was traveling with a bag big enough to fit a small child in, so my opinion is biased. Additionally the unreserved seat was made up for by the fact that it reclined and had a reading lamp, working air-conditioning, a personal tray table and small bag storage. Heck, who am I kidding, Amtrak gets 3 Ukrzaliznitsja 1.
On a memorable trip to Kamyanets-Podilsky I was alerted to my stop by the wonderfully melodic voice of the only female tenor in the Ukrzaliznitsja choir. If I close my eyes and think real hard I can still hear her sing “Kolamiya, Kolamiya” in that firm, yet charming voice. Amtrak has an intercom system which lacks any personality, and the station announcements are more of an interruption to the conductors cell phone conversation. Clearly its Amtrak 0, Ukrzaliznitsja 1.
Overall, I was amazingly satisfied with my venture on Amtrak. The car was clean bright and modern, much more so than my last ride in 2001. The price was a bit steep but as the old saying goes, you get what you pay for. To give Ukrzaliznitsja a fair shake, the antiquated cabins, and ruggedness of the facilities gives the passenger the feeling that he/she is on a real adventure – anything could and will happen. In my book that kind of atmosphere is priceless. All to often we get accustomed to the predictable, not understanding the true value of the what could be. In the spirit of the name and mission of this e-zine, Ukrzaliznitsja garners an extra point because when riding the rails in Ukraine, one is always doing it, not so for Amtrak.
So I suppose I have come full circle, Sandy may have been correct. For the pure factor of adventure, Ukrainian trains are far superior. You cannot put a price on spontaneity and the chance to get a good story. I will end the article here because stewardess, err flight attendant, just made an extra batch of chocolate chip cookies and my seatmate and I are going to enjoy them with some cognac and coffee. Cheers to adventure!
Final Score:
Amtrak 4
Ukrzaliznitsja 4
First Class flight home: $200.00RT, the true winner!
By Michael Phatel,
WASHINGTON, DC -In the second issue of Doing It?!, Ukraine correspondent Vinny Sanditsia published a travel story that among other things evaluated the efficiency and relative comfort of the Ukrainian and Italian railways. The story quoted Sandy, a self-proclaimed savvy traveler, who claimed that Ukrainian trains were and are far superior to their Italian counterparts. As the story truthfully recounted, I tried to no avail to persuade Sandy that Italian trains were far superior. However, it must be said that my travel experience may have been tainted as I was using a substantial portion of my trust fund to fund my gallivanting across Europe, so really who was I too judge?
Now that I enjoy the life of a poor and unemployed grad-student (editors note: Mr. Phatel is writing this article from the comfort of a first class seat on a flight from Baltimore to Seattle) I have come to understand where Sandy was coming from and am now free to compare having a better ruler to measure against. My student budget has forced me to be a better bargain hunter. Forgoing the expense of a towncar to take me from my apartment to BWI, I opted for trip on America’s rails. In my short ride, 38minute, I pondered the differences between Amtrack and Ukrzaliznitsja.
In Ukraine, for the first year I was subjected to the torments of the spiteful ticket agents. Upon moving to Sosnivka, I was able to enjoy a very friendly ticket agent that crafted my tickets using scissors and punch-card machine. In Lviv and elsewhere in Ukraine, when attempting to purchase a ticket my accent gave me away and I was punished for being a Yankee with a less than desirable vernihy seat nearest the “toilet”. In comparison when booking my seat on Amtrak I opened the lid of my trusty Macbook and purchased my seat (unreserved coach – I am a grad student) very quickly and for the somewhat absurd fare of $18 (136UAH).
Upon my arrival at Washington’s Union Station, I walked quickly towards the self-service check-in kiosks and printed my ticket. Now if only Ukraine could do that. Until I relocated to Sosnivka where I enjoyed my very own ticket agent, a machine would have been much more pleasant to deal with that Svetalana or Olga. On ease of ticket purchase, the score is Amtrak 1 Ukrzaliznitsja 0.
In Ukraine boarding the train required a quick glance at the reader board and a stroll to the platform, whereupon you would search for your wagon and find your seat waiting for you. Amtrak makes you wade through a massive line and have your ticket inspected and then you have to fight for you unreserved seat. Amtrak 0 Ukrzaliznitsja 1.
The luggage stowage in Ukraine was easy, simply lift up the seat or place it between your legs in the wide benches. Amtrak has minimal storage for large bags and the overhead is a bit cumbersome. I’ll give them both a 1, as I was traveling with a bag big enough to fit a small child in, so my opinion is biased. Additionally the unreserved seat was made up for by the fact that it reclined and had a reading lamp, working air-conditioning, a personal tray table and small bag storage. Heck, who am I kidding, Amtrak gets 3 Ukrzaliznitsja 1.
On a memorable trip to Kamyanets-Podilsky I was alerted to my stop by the wonderfully melodic voice of the only female tenor in the Ukrzaliznitsja choir. If I close my eyes and think real hard I can still hear her sing “Kolamiya, Kolamiya” in that firm, yet charming voice. Amtrak has an intercom system which lacks any personality, and the station announcements are more of an interruption to the conductors cell phone conversation. Clearly its Amtrak 0, Ukrzaliznitsja 1.
Overall, I was amazingly satisfied with my venture on Amtrak. The car was clean bright and modern, much more so than my last ride in 2001. The price was a bit steep but as the old saying goes, you get what you pay for. To give Ukrzaliznitsja a fair shake, the antiquated cabins, and ruggedness of the facilities gives the passenger the feeling that he/she is on a real adventure – anything could and will happen. In my book that kind of atmosphere is priceless. All to often we get accustomed to the predictable, not understanding the true value of the what could be. In the spirit of the name and mission of this e-zine, Ukrzaliznitsja garners an extra point because when riding the rails in Ukraine, one is always doing it, not so for Amtrak.
So I suppose I have come full circle, Sandy may have been correct. For the pure factor of adventure, Ukrainian trains are far superior. You cannot put a price on spontaneity and the chance to get a good story. I will end the article here because stewardess, err flight attendant, just made an extra batch of chocolate chip cookies and my seatmate and I are going to enjoy them with some cognac and coffee. Cheers to adventure!
Final Score:
Amtrak 4
Ukrzaliznitsja 4
First Class flight home: $200.00RT, the true winner!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Poet's Corner
Janice, Madge and Dolores
By Virginia Storm
I've named my left ovary Janice.
Janice is toxic and cystic.
She wears too much lipstick and isn't close to her daughters.
She drives an old Nova that putters.
She wears blue eyeshadow
And works in a cafe with Madge and Dolores.
By Virginia Storm
I've named my left ovary Janice.
Janice is toxic and cystic.
She wears too much lipstick and isn't close to her daughters.
She drives an old Nova that putters.
She wears blue eyeshadow
And works in a cafe with Madge and Dolores.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
A Musical Tribute to the Moonbow
To the tune of "Moonshadow" by Cat StevensOh, I've been swindled by a moonbow, moonbow, moonbow
Waitin and Waitin on a moonbow, moonbow, moonbow
And if I ever see the arch, see the mist, see the light
Oh if I ever see the bow, Oh if....I won't have to wait no more.
And if I ever see the light, if my Maker's Mark all runs dry,
Yes, if I ever see the light, oh if....I won't have to pretend no more.
Oh, I've been swindled by a moonbow, moonbow, moonbow
Waitin and Waitin on a moonbow, moonbow, moonbow
And if I ever see the bow, I won't moan and I won't beg,
Yes, if I ever see the bow, oh if....I won't miss Phelps swim no more.
And if I ever find that Heas, find my peeps, north and south,
Yes, if I ever find my peeps, oh if....I won't have to pretend....
Did it take long to find me? I asked the faithful light.
Did it take long to find me? Hell yes! It's already midnight!
Oh, I've been swindled by a moonbow, moonbow, moonbow
Waitin and Waitin on a moonbow, moonbow, moonbow
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Tourist Spots Michigan Fox in Kentucky
At an August press conference, Jim Lupient, chair of the Kentucky Commission on Invasive Species, reported that the rare Michigan Fox (vulpus lavonianus) has been sighted near the Cumberland Cove Cottages in Burnside, KY.“We’re concerned,” said Lupient. “The Michigan Fox has been known to range as far from its natural habitat as Spain, Croatia, and Ukraine. But this is the first time it’s been seen in the Bluegrass State. We don’t yet know how it will react to the local ecosystem, or how the local ecosystem will react to it. Our climate varies from wet, to soapy, to wet again, to dry. How well the Michigan Fox will adapt is anybody’s guess.”
The fox was first identified by Tammy Rae DeLaSouza of Jupiter Holler, Mississippi.
“I'd just left my cottage to hang a tankini on the clothesline,” said DeLaSouza. “Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a critter crapping in the bushes. At first, I thought it was just another of the owners’ obnoxious dogs. Those bitches are always begging for chips and salsa. But upon closer inspection, I realized that what I was seeing was, in fact, the Michigan Fox. My suspicion was confirmed later, when it curled up in an old bathtub and took a nap.”
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